Going, going, going...

Now!!

Courage

(NOUN)
the quality shown by someone who decides to do something difficult or dangerous, even though they may be afraid.

Collins Dictionary

Stick to your deadline.

Tolerate

(VERB)
1. to allow something to exist or happen, even although one does not approve of it
2. to put up with (someone or something).

Collin's Dictionary

Like a stray.

Incidental

(ADJECTIVE)
1. happening in connection with or resulting from something more important
2. secondary or minor.

Collin's Dictionary

Pretty much every time.

Big Trip Out

Funny how when I have time to post, I don't have any motivation whatsoever to do so. Like for the past three days. Anyhow, been hammering the trip into place. Here's the rough outline:

Leaving KL next Friday night and arriving in Gold Coast on Saturday morning. We've rented a car for the day, which should be tonnes of fun. Catching a connecting flight that evening to Melbourne then hopping onto a Skybus to the city. In Melbourne we'll be using daily passes for their trains, trams and buses. Metlink's printable journey planner is awesomely detailed! We'll catch the Skybus back to the airport on Wednesday evening, then fly to Gold Coast and spend the night there before flying back to KL on Thursday morning.

The whole of Monday will be spent at Flemington Racecourse for Big Day Out, which leaves Sunday, Tuesday and Wednesday to take in Melbourne. We'll be hitting CD shops, bookstores, galleries, markets and parks - not so much touristy attraction as the everyday kind of places.

Still some loose ends left though, one of which is to decide which gigs we're catching. The timtable is rather overwhelming and there's already one unfortunate clash: Augie March with Arcade Fire. Even though the Augie March set ends right as Arcade Fire begins, the stages are far far apart and as Arcade Fire is going to be a huge draw (and one of the main hooks for us to go), we'd have to be there EARLY.

Seven more days to go. Brrrr!

DANGER: Do not open

Sometimes I do stupid things like walking up to doors with that sign and opening them. I'm not talking about literal doors and danger signs here.

Anyway, I did that today. The timing was uncanny as that door popped up right on the back of my post yesterday. You see, it's connected to an unresolved issue that has been hovering around like a shadow in the corner of your eye. I don't really regret what I saw, but it forced someone else to open that door too and I'm sorry for that. I've been asked to stop opening that particular door before and now, I'm finally ready to quit it. I no longer see it as denial, sweeping things under a carpet, running away from an issue.

It's not about the issue. There are far better channels to go to for that, like someone who actually cares for my wellbeing. It's about the spirit and intention behind the delivery. Why listen to the words of a known enemy? Why entertain a spirit of revenge and bitterness?

This is one particular can of worms that I'm not going to carry around anymore. Not on my reader, not out to lunch, not in my friendships, not on the plane to Melbourne. My hedgehog likes worms, so I'll feed it all to her and say "Good riddance."

Here's to brighter days ahead.

To feel over and over again

I remember Yancey writing that to resent is to literally feel your hurt over and over again.

I've been doing that a lot these past few days - feeling hurts over and over again. I relive past conversations or events in my head repeatedly and stir up dormant sadness or bitterness or guilt. In the same way, I have this habit of picking at my scabs and peeling the hard layer off instead of leaving them to heal on their own. I think it's because I prefer to have the tender, pink parts exposed instead of a hard crust that juts out of the surface of my skin. Sometimes it starts to bleed again.

It's the same with emotional hurts. I've realised that mostly, I go back to the scene of transgression again and again to look a verbal clue or indication I might have missed that would shed some light on the person or situation. To try and understand why it happened, where the person was coming from or thinking or trying to do. I need it all to make sense to me before I feel any closure.
Seagrass by Jen Corrace
Through experience I know that in most cases, some distance is needed before a clear picture can be seen. I'm fine with that, I can wait. I've waited before. I also know that the other party may not be willing or able to give me all the answers I need. I don't always need them to give me the answers. I just need to be able to go through it in my head and be satisfied that it makes sense to me, even if I can never explain it in a way that would make sense to anyone else.

I know about letting go. I understand that it can be both a journey and a split-second decision. I know why it's important to both journey through and arrive at that point of release. Sometimes I take a step forward then step backwards, sometimes I run across the line and continue on without much effort and sometimes I think to myself "I've let go" and carry on happily, only to check my heart later on and realise that the hurt is still there.

How did it come back? Did I ever really leave it behind?

Eight for ole eight

Here are eight things that I want to do this year, in no particular order. All are items that I've either never done before or haven't done in a very long time and want to get in the habit of doing.

1. Beach: my idea is to go on a Sunday with my family + all attachments (we'll wait for Chong to come back during his summer hols).

2. BBQ: it's been more than 2 years since we last hosted any, so I aim to host 2 this year. First one's already penciled in.

3. Books: read 8 new books and blog about them.

4. Paint: one picture every quarter. That's four this year.

5. Road trip: to Ipoh. I realised that despite going back every year for CNY, I know nothing about the place and never eaten any of the famous eats.

6. Write: two plays. My first attempt.

7. Photoshop: learn how to use it and put some photo collages together. I wouldn't put a number to how many tho :)

8. Performances: attend 1 MPO concert and 1 theater show that is not a musical.

SIngapore snippets

Journey there: left the meeting point in Puchong at 9am and crossed the Causeway at about 4.30pm. There was a spontaneous lengthy detour to Muar for lunch.
Journey back: crossed the Causeway at 5.30pm and reached Damansara Heights at 7.50pm. It was the kind of drive where you squeeze your eyes shut and pray.

Uncle Jimmy opened his dinner speech with "For those of you who do not know me, I am a former politician from Johor and my name is Chua." He’s a witty man, and he called Vernon "cute" and "delicious". Really.

I'm more confident about playing in public, even after making a terrible blunder- I came in on the wrong chord on the third refrain and the panic from that caused me to miss several several lines after that. I survived the self-inflicted shame and am learning to trust my ability more.

Added another Charles & Keith pair to my collection, bring the total up to four. I shall slowly fill up the remaining gaps in my shoe wardrobe.

The best moment in the whole trip was the grass fight that broke out in the middle of a field. Fergs and I got up early on Sunday morning, went out in search for the nearest MRT, and instead of taking the walkway I suggested walking across a field to catch the morning sun and aroma of newly-cut grass.

Imagine the flurry of green bits flying in liquid sunshine.

Running around with him

We came back from a two-night trip to Muar exactly two weeks ago, Singapore beckons tomorrow. Both trips are the opposites of each other: the first was languid and quiet and homely, the second will be a big noisy group with swim suits, poker set and board games in a posh hotel.

Accommodation for Melbourne was finalised today, we fly down in three weeks. Found two addresses that might prove useful then. Keywords: free showers, Melbourne.

Ozanam Community Centre
268 Abbotsford st, North Melbourne
Mon-Fri 11.00 am-1.30 pm, 4.00 pm-6.30 pm
Tram 57 from Elizabeth St, City

Salvation Army Family Support Services
69 Bourke Street, Melbourne
Phone: 9653 3259
Last weekend for the wedding, there were drives between KL and Cyberjaya/Putrajaya on sweltering roads that seemed to go on forever. There was that jam coming home from work yesterday and all the other times when too many cars are on too little road. But I never mind times like that.

I never dreamed of traveling alone anyway.

Back

Hello 2008.

I'm sitting in front of a computer monitor for the first time in two weeks. Brief forays on a laptop don't count. I'm exhausted. The fuller life becomes, the less time there is to write about it. (Wow!) Maybe that's just an excuse to cover up my indiscipline at carving out time to introspect. It's been ages since I've done anything significant on this space. I don't feel like I know how to write anything meaningful anymore, and it saddens me.