To feel over and over again

I remember Yancey writing that to resent is to literally feel your hurt over and over again.

I've been doing that a lot these past few days - feeling hurts over and over again. I relive past conversations or events in my head repeatedly and stir up dormant sadness or bitterness or guilt. In the same way, I have this habit of picking at my scabs and peeling the hard layer off instead of leaving them to heal on their own. I think it's because I prefer to have the tender, pink parts exposed instead of a hard crust that juts out of the surface of my skin. Sometimes it starts to bleed again.

It's the same with emotional hurts. I've realised that mostly, I go back to the scene of transgression again and again to look a verbal clue or indication I might have missed that would shed some light on the person or situation. To try and understand why it happened, where the person was coming from or thinking or trying to do. I need it all to make sense to me before I feel any closure.
Seagrass by Jen Corrace
Through experience I know that in most cases, some distance is needed before a clear picture can be seen. I'm fine with that, I can wait. I've waited before. I also know that the other party may not be willing or able to give me all the answers I need. I don't always need them to give me the answers. I just need to be able to go through it in my head and be satisfied that it makes sense to me, even if I can never explain it in a way that would make sense to anyone else.

I know about letting go. I understand that it can be both a journey and a split-second decision. I know why it's important to both journey through and arrive at that point of release. Sometimes I take a step forward then step backwards, sometimes I run across the line and continue on without much effort and sometimes I think to myself "I've let go" and carry on happily, only to check my heart later on and realise that the hurt is still there.

How did it come back? Did I ever really leave it behind?