A couple of nights ago

I saw a man sitting in an empty shop, eating his dinner of noodles alone. It was one of those unmemorable places with square tables in a row and floor-to-ceiling glass windows that afford you no privacy. A middle-aged man in black pants and long-sleeved collar shirt. One out of millions of greying office-drones in this world.

It reminded me of a guy I know who went over to Australia and ate by himself for six months, or so he says, because it was hard to fit in. That’s a long time to eat alone. He didn’t say outright that he minded though. Besides, he had a girlfriend there that he most likely called every day and saw during the weekends. And to put things into perspective, there are worse things that can happen to you than eating alone, be it for one night or six months. But that’s not the point here.

It’s ok to eat alone. Eating is one of those things you have to do to do, whether there are people available to eat with you or not. So there’s no point in making a fuss if you have to do it by yourself. And maybe he has a family to go home to or friends to hang out with but it just so happened that this time he had to stop by the first place he saw and grab a bite before rushing off to meet the people he loves. Maybe he isn’t really what he looked- a solitary figure with no family or place to belong to, sitting there with nothing to do but look at his noodles disappear.

Really, the reason why I'm saying all this is because I hope that he didn't feel as lonesome as I did when I saw him.

Monday, 23 April

"Learn that you cannot make anyone love you. All you can do is let yourself be loved.

Learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in those you love, and it can take many years to heal them.

Learn that a rich person is not one who has the most, but one who needs the least.

Learn that there are people who love you dearly, but have not yet learned how to express or show their feelings.

Learn that two people can look at the same thing and see it differently."

Zzzz...

Sleep and slumber when others play,

tiredness comes with the dawning of day
Strength and grace for you
when it's night
Travel back home, put it away.

Shut your eyes and it'll be alright.

Three My Little Pony Crystal Princesses

for $29.90 with three matching carriages and three matching tiaras and a pink comb included. Not one, you know but three sparkly-winged baby ponies. As a kid, I used to think that My Little Pony was an expensive toy to get. After my acquisition on Sunday, I guess not.

I told Liz that this was a fulfilment of a childhood dream. To own a beautiful My Little Pony with wings like the one we used to have that got lost after we moved from Penang to KL. Like the one I saw in a friend’s house and thought was the most beautiful thing in the world.

But now that they’re sitting on my table -I haven’t quite decided where to put them yet; maybe bring them with me to the office? Not that I don’t already have enough toys in there to look like an adult with maturity issues- I’m not so sure anymore. It feels slightly like drinking flat coke. Which maybe it should. Stuff like that shouldn’t excite anymore. You’re supposed to be excited over things like how your career is advancing, getting a good grade, your football team scoring well or how many people admire you and how many new visitors we had for service. These are good things to get excited about. Not dumb ponies with floppy wings with glitter and multi-coloured hair who can’t even pull their own cart.

“It’s delight and simplicity that I want. Foolishness and fantasy and noise. Angels and miracles and wonder and innocence and magic. That’s closer to what I want…It’s about waiting behind the door of our hearts for something wonderful to happen...[being] a child who is impractical, unrealistic, simpleminded and terribly vulnerable to joy.” Robert Fulghum

I think that’s my problem. I’m waiting behind the door of my heart for something wonderful to happen. Something that no amount of ponies and tiaras and glitter can give. Something that requires you to be impractical, unrealistic and terribly vulnerable.

I'm still waiting.

Up High in the Trees by Black Apple

This is how inane we are

athalia: piggy *oink * so when are we working on the page
fergusong: now
athalia: gimmie 5 mins
fergusong: 5 mins.... 6 mins..... 7 mins...... 73 mins..... 142 mins........
athalia: waitt.....drafting a post! almost done. ok now
fergusong: OK
athalia: but first, I need to take a trip to answer a call. LADIES!!!!
fergusong: meeting on statistics begins, with your chairladies. chairladies... athalia and fergus presiding
athalia: I didn't know fergus was a chairlady. I said wait larr
fergusong: i am one now. deal with it
athalia: I need to go to the loo
fergusong: ok. we are here today to discuss the statistics that are fake
athalia: but I need to peeee. wait…
fergusong: i'd like to hand this time over to the urinary lady of the hour, athalia lee
athalia: I'm going
fergusong: (clap clap clap)
athalia: back. what did I miss? are all the boringfergus speeches over?
fergusong: nope. we were waiting for chairlady athalee
athalia: darn
fergusong: ok. allow me to say a few things about statistics...
Statistics is a mathematical science pertaining to the collection, analysis, interpretation or explanation, and presentation of data. It is applicable to a wide variety of academic disciplines, from the physical and social sciences to the humanities. Statistics are also used for making informed decisions – and misused for other reasons – in all areas of business and government.
Statistical methods can be used to summarize or describe a collection of data; this is called descriptive statistics. In addition, patterns in the data may be modeled in a way that accounts for randomness and uncertainty in the observations, and then used to draw inferences about the process or population being studied; this is called inferential statistics. Both descriptive and inferential statistics comprise applied statistics. There is also a discipline called mathematical statistics, which is concerned with the theoretical basis of the subject.The word statistics is also the plural of statistic (singular), which refers to the result of applying a statistical algorithm to a set of data, as in employment statistics, accident statistics, etc.
athalia: *yawnnnn *
fergusong: now, let me say a few things about the publishing business...
Publishing is the process of production and dissemination of literature or information – the activity of making information available for public view. In some cases, authors may be their own publishers.
Traditionally, the term refers to the distribution of printed works such as books and newspapers. With the advent of digital information systems and the Internet, the scope of publishing has expanded to include electronic resources, such as the electronic versions of books and periodicals, as well as websites, blogs, and the like. ATHALIA LEE. ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION?
athalia: wha..what? YES I AM YES SIRRR!!
fergusong: DESCRIBE TO ME THE SCOPES OF PUBLISHING IN TODAY'S MEDIA!
athalia: stands up and hastily recites:
Publishing is the process of production and dissemination of literature or information – the activity of making information available for public view. In some cases, authors may be their own publishers.
Traditionally, the term refers to the distribution of printed works such as books and newspapers. With the advent of digital information systems and the Internet, the scope of publishing has expanded to include electronic resources, such as the electronic versions of books and periodicals, as well as websites, blogs, and the like. see? I was too paying attention.
fergusong: THAT IS INCORRECT. ATHALIA LEE, YOU HAVE TO LEARN THAT A FULL ANSWER CONTAINS ONLY THE NECESSARY INFORMATION AND NOTHING MORE. I ASKED YOU FOR AN ANSWER NOT A RECITAL. GO STAND IN THE CORNER AND PULL YOUR EARS
athalia: (whimpers and pulls ears)
fergusong: Goood. now where was i? ok. Yes. statistics... what fields are we using? athalia?
ATHALIA LEE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING STANDING IN THE CORNER?
athalia: yo..u you...sent me there sir!
fergusong: COME BACK HERE THIS INSTANT. THIS IS A STATISTICS SESSION, NOT THE BLOODY TRIATHLON.
athalia: fine. I QUIT!
fergusong: good. now, where was i again?

My blog is ruined.

I don't wanna go! I don't wanna go! You can't make me!!

Yeah right.

I'm going for cell now without the tube, and it's not because I have to as the cell leader. As if I'm even able or allowed to do something as low as that-going for the sake of going. Thus ends my attempt at being a hardened gangsta rebel. Before Friday night! I shouldn’t have gone for prayer meet last night. Such a self-defeating move. So much for tubing, eh? This right-winger is back to square one again.

So now I've barely put up a fight before running straight back into the fold, bleating like a lamb with its tail on fire with its tongue hanging out. At this rate, nobody’s going to take me seriously the next time I say I want to quit. Which should happen around the end of the year, judging from past patterns. But that's a pattern I have to break. Burning out after every major event. So it's probably good not to take me seriously anyway.

Flippant tone aside, it’s good to know that I am taken seriously by the leadership. I'm thankful that they're sensitive and know how to persist in asking "What's wrong?", they know how to hear you out without judging and then they actually help you fix it up without making you feel worse.

The truth hurts, but it also prevails. It really does.

Tubin' hedgie hides its wee noisicle!

So I’ve been dubbed the right-winger/model leader, both in the Squad and WK GT circle. Fergus (there, that’s your honorary mention) was even inspired do his quiet time on Monday night after dinner. Well, somebody has to be it. But it’s awkward at times.

Probably because I know that deep down I don’t have it all together, especially after the way things have unfolded over the weekend. I’m not really sure why I seem to appear more self-assured or spiritually grounded than I actually feel. Maybe it’s the regular attendance for prayer meetings and going on time for services. But really, it looks good but doesn’t account for very much on its own.

What ever it is, these aren’t comfortable issues to dwell on. It leads to all sorts of horrid suspicions of being a fake, putting up a front or other similarly dishonest means. Besides that, accusations hurt. Being told I can’t take constructive feedback hurts too, especially as it’s more than likely true. Hence, this right-winger would very much rather tube like a hedgie till Saturday. Ahh....

I'm slow

It takes me forever to pour my thoughts out into the concrete form of a blog post. Having two co-workers-slash-bloggers who are very prolific (of late anyway) seems to make it worse. I shouldn’t be comparing, but I am.

Fergus' last post and Roger's last and second last post. Click on the left pic to see my honarary mention!

Man, I hate the way the two of you can come in at 8am/stop chatting on gtalk for a while (respectively) and poof! 593/466 words (respectively-yes, I counted, heh) on what you think/feel/are experiencing/plan to do/wish would happen comes right out.

"Saran and I don't cook"

Roger: finally reached 100 posts. hahahhaa. after sifting out all the drafts
athalia: cool. you just posted?
Roger: much slower than you leh
athalia: not that much slower, I'm only at 101. I saw your 21 question and answer post. was that your 100th?
Roger: rushed through that. no that was 99
athalia: cool. I'll check your blog now then
Roger: rushed through it coz i had to pick sarah up for the friday

easter play

athalia: I hope your 100th post isn't something along the lines of 'this is my 100th post. TADA!!' hehhe
Roger: it is, very much so
athalia: bah. WOI!!!!!! GOT TYPO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Roger: really? haha. i'm tired today lar
athalia: FASTER GO CORRECT IT BEFORE 'SARAN' SEES IT LEEEERRH. you habis otherwise. 'Saran' hahahahahhaha 'Saran and I don't cook'
Roger: no lar. something wrong with the system. its correct
athalia: whew for you then. yeah, I refreshed the page and it's ok. but that was funny for 10 seconds. hehehhe
Roger: just joking i corrected it. hahaha
athalia: IDIOT
Roger: haaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahhaa
athalia: you're so dead. I'm posting this conversation up.
Roger: copy fergus eh?
athalia: YES

Looking towards Easter

Home by Dkim

"For it is not physical solitude that actually separates one from other men, not physical isolation, but spiritual isolation. It is not the desert island nor the stony wilderness that cuts you from the people you love. It is the wilderness in the mind, the desert wastes in the heart through which one wanders lost and a stranger. When one is a stranger to oneself then one is estranged from others too. If one is out of touch with oneself, then one cannot touch others."

Anne Morrow Lindbergh