You promised me

that my time of wandering around in the wilderness will come to an end. You promised me that I will enter the promised Land, and leave the barrenness and dryness and dust and despair. You promised me that barrenness will turn into fruitfulness. That it will be a land flowing with milk and honey and that my labour will not be in vain. You promised me that You are mindful of me and You care for my needs.

Keep Your Word Please.

It seems that everyone around has secret timelines, hidden agendas and plans that they mask. In church, at work, and at home. Walking through this fog of impermanence and impenetrability…drags me down. More and more, I’m tempted to withdraw and stop trying to feel. It’s becoming an overwhelming struggle to bare your soul and then realise that nobody will be there for you when you need them to be. I’m tired of people who are either unwilling, unable or both unwilling and unable to strive beyond themselves.

It is that additional aching, surging effort that makes the difference between integrity and falseness, both artistically and relationally. Who sees that anymore? You see, meaningful connections are harder to form than we realise. Probably because when it actually happens, it feels so natural and effortless. So much so that we think that “This is the way it happens and should happen! How nice!!” And we never pause to marvel that so many things could have gone wrong and prevented that connection from forming, but somehow, the combination of factors fell into place this time round. And a miracle took place.

I need a miracle now.

Yesterday evening

I drove down a long straight road with open plains on either side. The dark shrubs and waist high grass were dancing in the wind against the wide canvas of the sky. Unobstructed by buildings, it was a vibrant battleground of colours that bled and blended into each other. Not one of those soft, gentle and peaceful sunsets. Yet, it was peaceful. And violent and mysterious all at the same time.

The roads dipped rather steeply down a hill. From the top, you can see the blocks of a commercial square, a sprawling hypermart and endless cars moving along the roads down below. I followed the long straight back down into the encompassing embrace of warm electric lights and civilisation. Leaving behind an unknowning presence and that plain where the mysteries of the universe were slowly playing out.

The Promise

It just occurred to me some days ago that

sometimes, pain can be a form of purification. Sanctification.
And somehow, understanding that makes having to understand the pain much more insignificant now.


"You are no longer a child, Reuven, . . .It is almost possible to see the way your mind is growing. And your heart, too. . . .So listen to what I am going to tell you. . . .Human beings do not live forever, Reuven. We live less than the time it takes to blink an eye, if we measure our lives against eternity. So it may be asked what value is there to a human life. There is so much pain in the world. What does it mean to have to suffer so much if our lives are nothing more than the blink of an eye?. . .

I learned a long time ago, Reuven, that a blink of an eye in itself is nothing. But the eye that blinks, that is something. A span of life is nothing. But the man who lives the span, he is something. He can fill that tiny span with meaning, so its quality is immeasurable though its quantity may be insignificant. Do you understand what I am saying? A man must fill his life with meaning, meaning is not automatically given to life. It is hard work to fill one's life with meaning. That I do not think you understand yet. A life filled with meaning is worthy of rest. I want to be worthy of rest when I am no longer here. Do you understand what I am saying?"

"My father himself never talked to me, except when we studied together. He taught me with silence. He taught me to look into myself, to find my own strength, to walk around inside myself in company with my soul. . . . One learns of the pain of others by suffering one's own pain, he would say, by turning inside oneself, by finding one's own soul. And it is important to know of pain, he said. It destroys our self-pride, our arrogance, our indifference toward others. It makes us aware of how frail and tiny we are and of how much we must depend upon the Master of the Universe. . . .Reuven, I did not want my Daniel to become like my brother, may he rest in peace. Better I should have had no son at all than to have a brilliant son who had no soul. . . . And I had to make certain his soul would be the soul of a tzaddik no matter what he did with his life."

Exerpts taken from The Chosen.

I've received my Promise. I really should go buy The Promise and read it now.

Spiny Masseurs

Hedge: "Bonsoir—can I eentereste you in a sweess massage?" [dainty paws start workin']
Kitteh: [thinking] what the—are these guys acupunturists!?

Kitteh: [thinking] wayle, OK—maybe I'll try a few minutos
Hedges: Try the lavender oil—all our clients love eet [More dainty paw massages]

Kitteh: Um, this is better than buttermilk, People
Hedges: Yais—I am sensing and snorting an essence of satisfactshons here... [continues with dainty paws]

Plagarised from C.O. Yes, my posts are getting very superficial. No eentrospekshaun whatsoever. Blegh.

Human Head Cloned From Hedgehogs!

Ok. Not really. Back to work now.

Bitten in the butt

*Chommmmmmph*
For being careless >.<
I had to stay all the way till almost 10 last night and come in at 6.20 today. I'm loosing focus now, especially since finding out my reviewer's not going to look at anything else till Monday. Sigh. Must. Push. On. After. This. Breakkkkkkkk....

Silver linings

The bad and the good in the bad of the first half of today. Written during a well-deserved break at 1220.

3. I lost one side of a lovely pair of earrings I just bought on Saturday. It must have dropped out when I took my keys out to drive home from badminton. This must be the 4th or 5th time I’ve taken my earrings out and chucked it into my purse (usually in the key compartment as it’s the smallest), only to lose one side because stupid, of course it would get caught up with my keys and since I use my keys sooner or later, it’s almost guaranteed to fall out. Serves me right. Well, I shouldn’t be too attached to my material trinkets so I’m not as upset over this loss. Besides, maybe the girl at the flea market booth will be able to make me a replacement side. Fingers crossed till Sat.

2. I woke up late (or rather, snoozed too many times) and arrived at the office 10 minutes after our training session was supposed to start. Was spared the embarrassment of walking in in front of everybody because it was postponed to 930. Well, I knew that it would very likely be pushed back but I’m still thankful anyhow.

1. I couldn’t connect to MSN, Gtalk or any sites besides work ones because of the ongoing domain and email migration. Need. Blog-hopping. Fix...*Cold sweat* Well, with no distractions, I’ve covered a record number of 7 commblocks this morning. Which is excellent by my previous standards because (i) On Mondays I’m still warming up to the work week (ii) I’m rather slow in the mornings (iii) this was done even after 1 hour was taken up with Outlook Training. Now that I’m all revved up, I’m aiming to cover 15 in the afternoon, as well as clear MTIG.

Oh wait, one more thing. I thought I’d dislike using Outlook but it’s actually not that bad. In fact, I don’t mind at all. And Angie gave me the correct connection settings so I've got everything back!

Terrific Thursday, 8 March

Here are three good things that happened to me yesterday. It's an idea I got from Bernice.

3. An excellent ham and cheese sandwich at work yesterday, and an excellent dinner of egg-and-chives, steamed fish and veg. One of those ordinary, simple meals that’s perfect to end your day with.

2. Finding a very nice cake, card and small gift for my team member. The cake was 30% of and the total cost for everything was only $26! I feel very thankful over this. My TL asked me to look into it on Tuesday but I dragged my feet till the very last moment and then despaired over what to get. Shopping for guy’s difficult you know, especially when you don’t know him very well. And I didn’t have to go beyond SS15 and Subang Parade.

1. Bridging Terabithia yesterday night. It’s good to know that despite all the rotten weather we’ve had lately, the Bridge survived. Now to repair it.

nice panda and a fierce, wild boar.

Sunday, 4 March

is a day I want to remember. That is the day Liz and I came up with an idea together. A very important one.

It happened so quickly and naturally, but I know that's because it's been hovering in our collective subconscious for a while, taking shape. Now it's time to let it germinate and grow.