Waiting

Futsal on Sunday was a decidedly miserable experience for me and I have no one to blame for it but myself. So much for feeling all sunshiny and optimistic. So much for having fun running around after the ball. I barely moved. My old habit of clamming up resurfaced with a vengeance, and I wished that the ground would open up and swallow me. Anyway, it’s over.

Joseph’s question (was it last week?) continues to haunt me: Why does it seem to be that the closer you get to God, the more confused Christians become?
I have no answer, no explanation, no defense. The silence rings like an accusation.
I’m sorry for being such a poor example.

cos' I’m a train wreck waiting to happen...

So this Saturday’s service is on Wrestling with God. “A time of seeking for a breakthrough in your relationship with God, parents, friends, career, studies, personal life”, as the email proclaims in bright letters.
Reading it, something stirred from within. But.
I hope for something this Sat, and yet I don’t hope at the same time.
I don’t know how or what to expect. Don’t want to expect?
Life seems to be currently dictated by circumstances, and that all my time is spent responding to events as they arise.
The lack of control I have over my life is frustrating. My life is frustrating.
Maybe physical exhaustion has a part to play. Maybe I’m trying to avoid reality.
Maybe it’s my fault.

Everything I need is you, my beginning and forever...

That refrain has haunted my consciousness for the past week, but it is hardly manifest in the way I live out my daily life.
Why do I look every where else but to God?
My fault.
God, come and get me. I don’t know how to reach You anymore.
I’m sorry for failing yet again.

Unravel me
a distant chord
on the outside is forgotten
a constant need

The road is long
the memory slides
to the whole of my undoing
put aside
I put away
I push it back to get through each day
and all I feel is black and white
and I'm wound up small and tight
and I don't know who I am

Unravel me
untie this chord
the very center of our union
is caving in
I can't endure
I am the archive of our failure
And all I feel is black and white
and I'm wound up small and tight
and I don't know who I am

From Sarah McLachlan’s Black and White.

Postscript: I wrote the above before going for the leader’s briefing after prayer meet at 9. Yeah, I skipped the praying part. Anyway, things took a tiny turn for the better there. After rushing and arriving a little late, it was gladdening to see Cason and Qi Wen already there, which was totally unexpected. Turns out they attended the whole thing from 8, and I was able to discuss the plans for this Friday, Saturday and Sunday with them, Jay Sonn and Enoch. Jay Sonn suggested combining cells and working together on Friday, which is certainly something I’m looking forward to. I’m so grateful that there are others to share the load with and people I can talk to a little. God can occasionally be kind to me.

Postscript 2: But I still feel like an archive of failure; and in the middle of me is a tight knot that I can’t unravel. I don’t know what it is, and I don’t know who I am.
'Heartfelt Beauty' seems like such a mockery now.