Hurt

Dark shadows lie beneath my eyes, but my heart is too heavy to allow rest to chase them away.

I used to believe that burdens were meant to be shared with another fellow soul. I believed that honesty is the best policy, that there was power in declaration, that confession was good for the soul. I found that the process of talking things over or airing your feelings and thoughts were aided in restoring tranquility.

Has that changed.

There are some wounds that just cannot be talked about, some sorrows that cannot be formed and shaped by words.

It came at the most unexpected time, from the most unexpected source, which only adds to the misery. After a month of prayer and fasting, a heightened commitment to seeking His Face, of expecting breakthroughs, denying myself and choosing the narrow path…

A piercing of the heart all the way down to its soul. In quick succession on Friday, Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday again, blow after blow was delivered on raw, quivering flesh.

It felt like a slap on the face from God. Why make it so hard to do what is right? Is this supposed to be a test on how far I would submit to Your Ways? Hung between defeat and destruction, I see no victory or salvation.

This is part of the molding, breaking and testing process.

Carry your cross in private, bear your pain in silence.

Since Friday, the tearing ache has dulled into a grey grief. I pray for the gangrene of apathy to kill of that part of my heart.


Tonight I will not weep.

Drowning in sorrow

Once again, I find myself down a path I swore I would never take again. I wish I can howl with the rage I feel, but I am only capable of broken weeping under my covers. As Roger asked, where is the promise and the power of Easter in my life?
The only thing I am capable now is to wait and this too, shall pass. Equilibrium will be restored, as always.

When you're standing in deep water,
and you're bailing yourself out with a straw.
When you're drowning in deep water,
and you wake up making love to a wall...

Fasting

Started last Saturday, on the 18th. Actually (albeit unwittingly) had a trial run two weeks ago and it was easier than I thought it would be. In retrospect though, that was mostly because that particular week was very full, with no opportunity to sit and ruminate over it.

There's more time for that now. Yesterday night, in a rather morbid frame of mind the thought occured if I was being foolish by making such a big deal over the whole thing. Why the need? Is it an excuse to hide?

As I told Liz, to get through this I'm going to have to make a conscious effort to occupy myself.

26 days to go and counting.

A Token Post

Long long never post. Now with the usj2cell blog, my affections are going to be divided!

I shall have to resort to short notes. Like this.

Me, Cason and Terence passed our van driving license today. Cason mati enjin twice. Haha.
But he was brave enough to go first.
Anyway, the three of us are now authorised church van drivers!
And that's all I have to say.

Birthdays and Funerals

Tim's 16th one last Sunday, Joshua's 24th yesterday.
Kim-kim's mom (that's my mom's only brother's wife's mom(!)) passed away on Monday morning, and Rev. Arthur Yoong yesterday afternoon. A church staff, Sis May Ling's mom also passed away on Mon, but I attended the other funeral.

Next Monday is Qi Wen's birthday and next Tuesday's Aaron's.

Four celebrations of life sandwiched against memorials for the dead.

There was a mad rush in the office today trying to get both the memorial service bulletines and weekly cell lessons out in time. Well, it's 7.15pm as I type this, everthing done before the deadline of 8pm. Cell leaders meeting was canceled tonight due to the funeral, but the lesson still has to be handed out and most of the leaders would go for the funeral.

To me, birthdays are naturally a celebration of life and well, birth. Funerals mourn a loss, albeit a temporary one.
Yet, in about 30 mins I'll be attending my first 'Home Going Celebration' in the old church at Jalan Gasing. That's what the bulletine calls it.
'Home Going Celebration'? Sounds slightly shocking, but I like it for the truth it conveys.
Now excuse me, I have a celebration to attend. Ciao.

To the people I love with all my heart

I don't feel I really know how to love
I'm learning
and you've been such great friends
and my love grows by leaps and bounds.
You've given me yourselves to share,
and I'll give you myself.

When our love flowers
it becomes
as blue skies running for miles.
Patches of clouds reflect hurts
that hurt no longer once they're over.
My hurts have turned to joys
because of you.


Happy Valentines.

by Sandy Demott.

Anniversary

It’s been one year. Not to the day though, because I really can’t remember when. It’s always been like that for all the other anniversaries. Not that it’s how I want it to be, but what is will be. There are other things to fuss about anyway.

So. In this, two truths that have to be learnt and unlearnt. It seems that to struggle against it is so firmly engrained that a conscious effort must be made to allow one’s self to float with the current of wisdom.

First, it is hard to believe that after the war is over and you stand in the midst of the carnage and destruction, God is able to make whole again. Oddly, this promise of healing is easier to receive personally than it is to believe that it will come to pass for The Other Party. Personally, I only realized recently that my guilty relapses were really due (albeit unconsciously) to a lack of trust that God really is capable of making anyone and anything in any circumstance whole again.

Second, fallibility is a given. Do I sound too pessimistic or fatalistic? Possibly. It came out differently on Thursday when I said that one thing all my relationships have taught me is that I am not as nice/good/unselfish/caring a person as I actually think I am. This ‘revelation’ still comes as a shock every time the evidence surfaces, regardless of how many times it has come to light before. It’s an almost comical scene; to think, “Why am I behaving this way? That’s not how I am like!” Well, it would seem that we’re really are like that, but we don’t like to remember our shortcomings in the area of virtue, do we?

Time to get ready for lunch now. The necessities of life once again interrupt.

A Short Note

to let whoever who reads this know that I haven't abandoned my blog, but it will not be a priority for now till I've settled down a little. Immediately after YES I've had to juggle between my aunt's business accounts and starting to work in church and now, all the CNY 'duties'.

It's been enjoyable though, except for the fact that I'm rather worn out at the moment. Yet, it's tough to be disciplined enough to go to bed early during the hols. There's always something more interesting to do and the next time you check, it's early in the morning already. And you can't sleep in the next day 'cos there's something else on.

Anyway, was reminded about my blog this morning, so here's my update. As I said, I was delighted to have so many engaging conversations yesterday, first with my siblings, mom's friends, paternal relatives, maternal cousins and finally my whole family in bed at night, which was the icing on the cake. You see, it's been a while since we've all curled up together on my parents bed and shared. Today was more subdued as though we had guests over the whole afternoon and night, I wasn't up to talking much. They're still outside now as I'm typing this but it takes less effort to blog than to entertain.

Looking forward to time with Liz, Yen and Tine tomorrow! My week off is almost over but I haven't done all that I had hoped to...