The straight and the narrow

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm stunting myself intellectually because I confine most of my social interactions to people with similar mindsets. Talking about personality types yesterday brought to light the fact that most of my friends are melancholic, and all are Christian. Make that Pentecostal Christians.

I justify myself by pointing to the fact that I'm not a big picture person. I like to look at the micro view, to notice miniature details and hidden patterns. Which means that I would rather explore and deconstruct all possible points of view from between A to B than to get to know A to Z. This explains my aversion to foreign languages and traveling, along with the above-mentioned observation on taste in friendship.

This narrow-mindedness has the guilt-inducing consequence of a practically non-existent evangelistic record. Yes, I've been bred and indoctrinated in a true-blue Pentecostal church where we're reminded every week to win souls. Yet my navel-gazing nature still clashes with the whole emphasis on an outward focus and outreach. Sometimes I wonder (albeit passingly) what it'll be like to belong to a more introverted denomination.

Anyway, the point that got me thinking about all this was when I told Fergus that he (no, not Fergus) was one non-mel person I could really talk to. He's a phleg-chol.

"So how did you two connect? Was it on the chol level [since I'm a mel-chol]?"
"Actually no, not at all. I think it was more mel to phleg."
"How? Phlegs are passive."
"Well, both types are introverted. And phlegs tend to run deep, and depth is drawn to depth."

It looks like for now, all my posts are going to circle back to this subject no matter where they start out.

Sad to be happy

Christianity is all about reconciliation. Firstly between God and mankind, and after that between mankind to mankind.

Over the past two to three weeks, I've been slowly trying to live this statement out. Yes, it was a painful process. Yet, the memory of the pain seems to fade as I survey the end results and look back on the journey.

On Saturday I rushed up from Malacca to catch less than an hour of service, waited an hour after service before finally talking for almost an hour. Lots of tears were shed by both, but it was an immense relief to finally have someone help make sense out of the hurt and confusion, and gently point the way forward.

Even though Pastor didn't know anything about our situation and she has never really spoken to him before, she was able to help us understand each other and also discern old, buried wounds that he's carried from way back as a child to the more recent ones. I know now that he couldn't go forward until he went back with someone with the pastoral authority to release the inner healing he needed and as such, the session was very, very timely. As he wept, I wanted to reach out and touch his arm and say that I wished that I could have helped him, both now and during the times he first talked about his past...

But it's not my place to do so. I'm not his saviour; I can't fight his battles for him, I can't carry him through them and at this point, I can't even be by his side as he faces them. I recognise that he has to face this on his own with God. Pastor's advice to me was to let go, and I can say that I have. As I told Jon afterwards, I'm happy with my life right now, but I'm sad that I have to be happy without him.

And it's alright to be that way for now.

First of July

passed two weeks ago on a Sunday. With that the second half of 2007 started, and it started wonderfully well.

I've been standing in the middle of myself watching circumstances and comprehension whirl around as an invisible hand slowly spins and rearranges things. On the surface, not much has really changed. There are black moments, moments where anger or sadness still get the better of me. Moments where I fail to rise to the occasion and choose the higher path, moments where I give in to my lower instincts of retribution and savagery. The difference is this time my head is firmly planted among the clouds above. Up there, I catch glimpses of transcendence that give me the perspective I need.

I've come to a place where I know that I'll be fine no matter how things turn out tomorrow or the days following tomorrow. Of course, there are times when I fear, fear the unknown, fear the imagined, fear the possibilities. But balancing that is a fragile sense of peace and contentment.

I'm seeing Pastor with him after service. Pray for me please.