Underwhelmed

5 Commit your way to the LORD;

trust in him and he will do this:

6 He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,

the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;

do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.

8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;

do not fret— it leads only to evil.

9 For evil men will be cut off,

but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.

Silence by Josh Ushund

Karen gave us these verses during one of the after-prayer-meetings some time back. It's from Psalms 37, right after the famous "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart" bit in verse 4. Maybe that's why this bunch tends to be overlooked, but it made a lot of sense when I first heard it, and now that I've come back to it...

God seems pretty elusive these days. So it's rather hard to tell if I'm committing my way to him or trusting him, let alone being still and hoping in him. I try. But I don't know if I'm doing it right. I hear of stories of how when you're at your lowest point, God's love and presence just comes and overwhelms you when you cry out for him. After all, he's a personal God that cares deeply for us. He weeps when we weep. He inscribed our names on his palm, he died on the cross for us. Yet I'm ashamed to say that for me, I feel distinctly underwhelmed.

So I wonder if there's something wrong with me. Am I not doing it right? But it can't be, because it's not about the method you use. So maybe my heart and motives are the culprit. Do I need to confess? Repent? Maybe I'm not trying hard enough, or deep down in my subconscious I'm the one that's actually running from God. But that's a bewildering thought, because I'm consciously trying to do the opposite. And how hard must I try for it to be hard enough? After a certain point, it feels like any other pilgrim, working to appease the gods and earn their approval, never certain if it's all good enough...

I've been told that you're not supposed to compare your own experiences with other people, because we're all unique and God works differently in each person's life and circumstances. Sometimes, that sounds like a very convenient answer to give to people so that they don't feel a nasty suspicion of having been given the short end of things. Surely at some point, you have to ask yourself why things seem so quiet. I read a definition of insanity before that defines it as doing something the same way repeatedly but expecting different results each time. Does this apply to praying and reading the Bible and going to church? Does this apply to believing in a God that cares for you and wants to work out something amazing in your life, despite the overwhelming silence that keeps greeting you?

"3 Trust in the LORD and do good,
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture."

I do believe all that these verses promise. At the same time, I want to have some reason to believe. I can't keep running on empty, and I don't want to survive on the crumbs that get tossed down just as I'm about to cave in. It's not supposed to be that way, right? What is it that I'm not seeing?