A rare occurrence

He came by unexpectedly early, so they both decide to drop by for lunch. Parents, siblings and grandma are already stuffing pancakes down in Paddington's when she walks up with him. He sits down opposite the dad, she sit at the table end besides them both. Those are the only available places. Dad runs through the usual questions. He answers, smiles and laughs in the proper places. She smiles and laughs along, adding teasing comments to smooth things out. Lunch finishes, they both amble off together to chat over coffee in Starbucks. Almost two hours later, she has to go back to do some work so he offers to drop her back. But they stop by Carrefour for him to pick up a few items first. Back home, she makes some quick calls. Then they go for a walk with April down to the lake.

Summer Bloom by Alena Hennessy

A leisurely, golden afternoon spent at The Curve and lakeside park makes for a great time together.

As for me? Well. I shopped there alone and then drove back. Two tops in pretty colours and a skirt.
Damage: $110. I'm very pleased with that accomplishment.

I admit

There are things that I'm genuinely happy about. Jobi. My job, friends at work. I know that it's more than I can ever ask for, and I am grateful. I don't mean to complain, or say that I'm not getting a good deal out of life, but I know that despite appearing so, I'm not ok.

Nobody seems to know how to make things better. They try, but I've pushed people who care about me away so much, they're at the point of giving up and walking away. I watch them out of the corner of my eye, wishing they will but hoping that they don't. If I'm to be completely honest with myself, I want them around...

I bury the hurt in anger. I've never been so angry in my life-the intensity of my emotions surprises me. I read before that anger is a sedative for pain, and I've certainly been using it as one. It makes a strong, hard front against the torrential hemorrhage under it.

Philip Yancey asked "Where is God when it hurts?" I hope that for each person, He'll be there for you. I'm really sorry for all the pain that I've caused.

Underwhelmed

5 Commit your way to the LORD;

trust in him and he will do this:

6 He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,

the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;

do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.

8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;

do not fret— it leads only to evil.

9 For evil men will be cut off,

but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.

Silence by Josh Ushund

Karen gave us these verses during one of the after-prayer-meetings some time back. It's from Psalms 37, right after the famous "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart" bit in verse 4. Maybe that's why this bunch tends to be overlooked, but it made a lot of sense when I first heard it, and now that I've come back to it...

God seems pretty elusive these days. So it's rather hard to tell if I'm committing my way to him or trusting him, let alone being still and hoping in him. I try. But I don't know if I'm doing it right. I hear of stories of how when you're at your lowest point, God's love and presence just comes and overwhelms you when you cry out for him. After all, he's a personal God that cares deeply for us. He weeps when we weep. He inscribed our names on his palm, he died on the cross for us. Yet I'm ashamed to say that for me, I feel distinctly underwhelmed.

So I wonder if there's something wrong with me. Am I not doing it right? But it can't be, because it's not about the method you use. So maybe my heart and motives are the culprit. Do I need to confess? Repent? Maybe I'm not trying hard enough, or deep down in my subconscious I'm the one that's actually running from God. But that's a bewildering thought, because I'm consciously trying to do the opposite. And how hard must I try for it to be hard enough? After a certain point, it feels like any other pilgrim, working to appease the gods and earn their approval, never certain if it's all good enough...

I've been told that you're not supposed to compare your own experiences with other people, because we're all unique and God works differently in each person's life and circumstances. Sometimes, that sounds like a very convenient answer to give to people so that they don't feel a nasty suspicion of having been given the short end of things. Surely at some point, you have to ask yourself why things seem so quiet. I read a definition of insanity before that defines it as doing something the same way repeatedly but expecting different results each time. Does this apply to praying and reading the Bible and going to church? Does this apply to believing in a God that cares for you and wants to work out something amazing in your life, despite the overwhelming silence that keeps greeting you?

"3 Trust in the LORD and do good,
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture."

I do believe all that these verses promise. At the same time, I want to have some reason to believe. I can't keep running on empty, and I don't want to survive on the crumbs that get tossed down just as I'm about to cave in. It's not supposed to be that way, right? What is it that I'm not seeing?

My room, my life

I've stayed up late to pack my room over the past few nights. My mother calls my room "organised mess" and I'd agree with her. I'm legendary for always having piles of stuff stacked neatly around, and I've never completely packed everything away. At the end of every clean-up session, there's always a left-over pile that I don't know what to do with, so I leave it aside to look at it some other time. This is due to the double-edged combination of the "it-might-be-useful-one-day" school of thought with my inability to just stuff stuff into the closest drawer/box/corner. Everything has to be logically grouped together and neatly arranged, with the most fitting storage apparatus selected.

I'm afraid that this is a manifestation of my subconscious desire to have my life neatly sorted and classified, with a place for everything and no messy or unexpected bits in sight. Or maybe my room is the only part of my life where I can attempt to impose such order, because everything else (including my emotions) are such capricious creatures.

But the thing that hit me the most during this clean-up exercise is how I've literally stored my dreams away. Going through my drawers, I found mementos of things that I've always wanted to do, projects that I mean to start, hidden hopes, desires, wishes. All kept away from sight so that nobody knows that they exist. Some of them have been put away for so long that I've forgotten that I ever had them.

It never feels that I'm good enough to start and there's always some other time.

True to form, I have two stacks of papers and files left to sort though, but I don't think I'll look at it till next week. It's just too much for now. Thinking about this last night, I wondered if I am waiting my life away.