And so

Waiting is our destiny as creatures who cannot
by themselves bring about what they hope for.

We wait in the darkness for a flame we cannot light,
We wait in fear for a happy ending we cannot write,

We wait for a not yet that feels like a not ever,
Waiting is the hardest work of hope.

Lewis Smedes

All the effort of three long weeks undone on Sunday night. Blame Saturday's message on reconciliation, even though it was directed at parents and their children.

We're working things out again, which is a tremendous relief. I don't know what the outcome will be, or if I'm being foolhardy by putting myself out on the line.

But I do know that when he called, a few sentences was all it took to show that we both are fairly miserable not talking to each other, despite all the practice that we've had.

Them

I see them as unhappy people. People stuck in circumstances and jobs they would rather not be in. They’re tolerating it all to get somewhere else they’d rather be. Life is an endurance race till then.

I see them with dulled senses and spirits. People who can’t see the forest for the trees. They don’t really know where they want to go and they’re killing themselves to get there. I see people so spent, they cannot fully give themselves to anything. I see people who are silent, stifled, numbed. Not living, but existing. Running on empty, wearing themselves out. Too distracted to notice.

And I try to care but attempts made pass without comment.

Maybe this is how God feels. “Speak to Me please,” He says. “Why don’t you tell Me things? Why am I always the last to know? Don’t I matter? Doesn’t what I have to say matter?”

Why don't you tell me things?

Drippings of grace

Good for the heart and soul. A tantalising scent that compels you to unball, sniff the air and decide that the world is a pretty good place after all.

Despite my self-absorbed, self-pitying outlook, I had a good 20^th May on Sunday. Very good in fact. Much better than I anticipated.

I’ve decided to stop being so self-absorbed and self-pitiful (wow, tall order). I’m going to stop digging in my heels and stop running myself into the ground.

It's time.
Surfacing towards the light, artist unknown.

The problem

with alienating people is that once it's done, you have no where to go.

Tell Me Why by Stella Im Hultberg

Happy birthday me.

Maybe I should make things clearer

I don’t want to be his friend anymore.

I want more than that.

He doesn’t.

So that’s what happened. I hung on, made myself available and assessable for hours and weeks and months, waiting for an upgrade that never happened. Hoping that it would happen, baited on by all the mixed messages that came my way. Just like in Not Your Buddy. I was providing the emotional benefits of a relationship without any commitment from him. And he wonders why I got edgy. Enough is enough.

Yes, it's heartbreaking to cut ties. Especially after spending so much time together and being so close. I miss it. And it's taking a lot of willpower to refrain from picking up the phone or opening up a msn window to apologise for cutting him off and then going back to talking again. I'm not even really sure if what I'm doing now is right, and it certainly isn't the first time I'm attempting it.

He's consistently said that he's not looking now, that it's not the right time for him to be in a relationship. There are goals he has to achieve before he can consider going out with anyone. Like getting his MBA, buying a house, loosing 10 kgs and attaining enlightenment. Or something like that. He will continue being friends, but that's all his offering and all he's after. A month back, he told me he liked me. But that was in the context of "Hi, I think that I need to back off for a bit. I'm starting to fall for you again."

I finally get the point. He's not going to budge. I’m trying to give up, okay? As Kenneth Yu said before, the only way to deal with painful emotions is to strangle them dead.

I wish I didn't have to.

Moving On, Moving Away

Why move? I think it’s good to explain.

Well, a year and a half ago boy and girl meet. Boy and girl hit it off immediately and talk. And talk. And talk. Just about every day for hours on end. At one point, he even calls her his best friend. And they continue talking. But soon she mysteriously starts to get edgy. Arguments and weird withdrawals start to crop up, stumping him. Even though it’s always patched over in the end, things get progressively worse. There are several spells of silence and periods of ignoring each other (of which there is ample opportunity for, seeing that they attend the same cell and service). The longest stint lasts for over a month. Admittedly, most are initiated by her. But he is adamant about being friends (just friends, mind you). And once she stops sulking, she’s his friend again. And they get along well and have a good time. But she grows progressively unhappier. Her reasoning that at least she still has him as a friend withers and dies. And then two Sundays ago, in the middle of a routine telephone conversation, she suddenly hears herself saying “I don’t see our friendship as one of those that last a lifetime. I don’t want to keep it as we move on to different phases of our lives.” And she hangs up soon after in tears. Since then, she hasn’t spoken to him. And she’s moved her blog away. To here.

Moonshine

Blessed be Your Name

"Blessed be Your name in the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow, blessed be Your name
And blessed be Your name when I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness, blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back into praise
And when the darkness closes in, Lord still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name when the sun's shining down on me
When all the world's all as it should be, blessed be Your name
And blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering, blessed be Your name

You give and take away, You give and take away
My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your name"

Picture: Adrift by Jen Corace

Sixteen to go

So each week this day has had a sore point, annoyance or trial. Especially so for Tuesday and Wednesday, the aftermath of which was the slight embarrassment of having casual observers ask what’s wrong. Well yes, I am an open book that way. And while I am grateful and thankful for leaders and role models and peers who made the effort, I feel rotten over my inability to explain what it is. I don’t have any answers to give.

I was evaluating whether the two whole days spent by attending our cell conference would be considered well spent. Discipleship, mentorship, leadership principles, evangelism, the Great Commission, burnout, stagnation, small group dynamics, vision, mission, God molding you: all these have multiple checkmarks in the been-there, heard-that column. At some point, hearing becomes an exercise in futility. Why give up two whole public holidays to exhaust yourself out for something you already know? But there’s a but here.

If I could relive this whole week, I wouldn’t do it differently. Even the part where I was nothing but a prickly shell, or when past mistakes came back to say hello. I can’t explain why, and I don’t have to. What I'll say is it was a beautiful day yesterday and I felt like skipping into the office after lunch. I love blue skies and I’m glad to be alive as me. (snuffs in contentment)

I might just

regret this fuchsia abomination on my serious, sombre blog. But not today. No regrets at all, not for anything this week and not for my seduction style. Wheeeeee....

Hrrrm. Cuddling superpower eh? It’s been mostly untested so I should recruit unwitting experimental subjects to validate this. See? That’s my calculative side talking. And it’s true that I’ve always thought it would be trilling to play at being a vampish heartbreaker but yeah, I don’t have the heart to do so.