Maybe I should make things clearer

I don’t want to be his friend anymore.

I want more than that.

He doesn’t.

So that’s what happened. I hung on, made myself available and assessable for hours and weeks and months, waiting for an upgrade that never happened. Hoping that it would happen, baited on by all the mixed messages that came my way. Just like in Not Your Buddy. I was providing the emotional benefits of a relationship without any commitment from him. And he wonders why I got edgy. Enough is enough.

Yes, it's heartbreaking to cut ties. Especially after spending so much time together and being so close. I miss it. And it's taking a lot of willpower to refrain from picking up the phone or opening up a msn window to apologise for cutting him off and then going back to talking again. I'm not even really sure if what I'm doing now is right, and it certainly isn't the first time I'm attempting it.

He's consistently said that he's not looking now, that it's not the right time for him to be in a relationship. There are goals he has to achieve before he can consider going out with anyone. Like getting his MBA, buying a house, loosing 10 kgs and attaining enlightenment. Or something like that. He will continue being friends, but that's all his offering and all he's after. A month back, he told me he liked me. But that was in the context of "Hi, I think that I need to back off for a bit. I'm starting to fall for you again."

I finally get the point. He's not going to budge. I’m trying to give up, okay? As Kenneth Yu said before, the only way to deal with painful emotions is to strangle them dead.

I wish I didn't have to.