It all started with

the question, "What's interesting in Vienna?"
"Glassware," I answered. "Viennese glassware's famous."
"My friend said gondolas."
"Well, that too."

That was Monday night (definitely; Sunday's conversation was on weightier matters). After hanging up, I just had to pour over my collection (ok, all three) of glass books. Not that I had any examples of contemporary Viennese examples but it was to remind myself. I've got comprehensive volume on Louis Comfort Tiffany's works (yes, he's the Tiffany lamp guy, but he has magnificant windows too), a book on glass antiques and a slim "Glass: An Inspirational Portfolio" (only RM14.95 from Popular, Jaya Supermarket).

It was there that I first met Dale Chihuly on page 70. There was but a single shot of his "Persians" decorating a train station window but it was enough for me to fall head over heels in love with his work.

Anyway, back to Monday night. I found Chihuly's homesite address in the index of contact details of featured artists!

The result was that Tuesday was hardly productive a day for me at work; www.chihuly.com has an excellent picture gallery of all his work, along with artist's statments and papers. It took me ages just to cover his Seaform collection, which, with the Persians, are my favourites.

Almond Blossom Seaform Set, 1982

Seagreen Seaform with Red Lip Wraps, 1998

Emerald Green Seaform Set with Yellow Lip Wraps, 1994

Icarian Blue Seaform Set with Sapphire Lip Wraps, 1997


Pink and Gold Braun Seaform with Red Lip Wraps, 1983

Lagoon Green Seaform Set with Scarlet Lips, 2001

Now here comes part two. Liz came to get me early and we ran to splurge in The Curve. Ended up spending more than I planned to or should have, but I have no regrets. While walking to the car, we stopped at this little kiosk with a little table selling glass pendants.

Not quite Chihuly, but it's lovely. The little bowl it's resting in was also purchased yesterday.

As you can tell, I love glass.

Postscript

The previous post was written this morning. Yes, it was positive but to be honest, the road is still stony.

I am still struggling to accept the obvious.

The harder I struggle, the more it hurts, yet acceptance cannot be forced. There will be times when I do worse than usual. Right now's not too good. Look at Sarah McLachlan's Full of Grace. Does saying I'm sorry help?


The winter here’s cold, and bitter
It’s chilled us to the bone
We haven’t seen the sun for weeks
To long too far from home
I feel just like I’m sinking
And I claw for solid ground
I’m pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
Oh darkness I feel like letting go

If all of the strength and all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
Full of grace
Full of grace
My love

So it’s better this way, I said
Having seen this place before
Where everything we said and did
Hurts us all the more
Its just that we stayed, too long
In the same old sickly skin
I’m pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
Oh darkness I feel like letting go

If all of the strength
And all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
Full of grace
Full of grace
My love

He sees my every tear

It’s amazing. While the trial still continues and looks likely to end later rather than sooner, I now know a little bit better that He truly is my Advocate. To be honest, I didn’t expect much help from Him before this. I was preparing myself to slog through the mire in solitude and grim determination till I pass the valley and find rest in His Arms. If I can only scrap it through, He’ll be standing at the end cheering me on towards Him.

No, He is right beside me, and I see Him laying a path of stepping stones through the bog. Bit by bit, He guides me towards my deliverance.

Twice now it has happened. Same place, same person, same circumstances and though the slighted party, I have always come out better (if not, the victor but I am shy about boasting so much), not by anything I did but because of the way the whole encounter was orchestrated. You can rationalize it away as coincidence but I see God behind the scene, working with care, delicacy and if I may say so, a tiny little bit of glee. It is beautiful to behold. God, my Deliverer and my Defender, has an amazing sense of justice and humour.

If my God is for me, then who can be against me?

Having now experienced it first hand, it is easier to trust Him to right injustices and wrongs that I am currently facing in His due time, according to how He sees fit. Once again, His timing works out perfectly. I mean, why did He choose this time to address a past injustice?

It is to reassure me in current circumstances.
“Vengeance is mine, I will repay” says the Lord.
It is my part to be still, and know that He is God.

Hurt

Dark shadows lie beneath my eyes, but my heart is too heavy to allow rest to chase them away.

I used to believe that burdens were meant to be shared with another fellow soul. I believed that honesty is the best policy, that there was power in declaration, that confession was good for the soul. I found that the process of talking things over or airing your feelings and thoughts were aided in restoring tranquility.

Has that changed.

There are some wounds that just cannot be talked about, some sorrows that cannot be formed and shaped by words.

It came at the most unexpected time, from the most unexpected source, which only adds to the misery. After a month of prayer and fasting, a heightened commitment to seeking His Face, of expecting breakthroughs, denying myself and choosing the narrow path…

A piercing of the heart all the way down to its soul. In quick succession on Friday, Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday again, blow after blow was delivered on raw, quivering flesh.

It felt like a slap on the face from God. Why make it so hard to do what is right? Is this supposed to be a test on how far I would submit to Your Ways? Hung between defeat and destruction, I see no victory or salvation.

This is part of the molding, breaking and testing process.

Carry your cross in private, bear your pain in silence.

Since Friday, the tearing ache has dulled into a grey grief. I pray for the gangrene of apathy to kill of that part of my heart.


Tonight I will not weep.

Drowning in sorrow

Once again, I find myself down a path I swore I would never take again. I wish I can howl with the rage I feel, but I am only capable of broken weeping under my covers. As Roger asked, where is the promise and the power of Easter in my life?
The only thing I am capable now is to wait and this too, shall pass. Equilibrium will be restored, as always.

When you're standing in deep water,
and you're bailing yourself out with a straw.
When you're drowning in deep water,
and you wake up making love to a wall...