On Fear

I am hesitant to begin writing again. It’s only been a short period of absence, but this no longer feels like a part of me. How quickly the sense of connectedness and purpose is lost.; the death of Introspection would hardly matter to me. It feels easier and better-like drifting off into a numbing sleep- to just let it die slowly instead of fighting for resurrection.

Yet, here I am typing. Let me continue this walk, even if I have to crawl.

Anyway, the same thing happened at cell. Felt peevish and was actually unwilling to face cell. In retrospect, it was most likely due to the lack of sleep. I’ve only been getting about 5-6 hours each day for the past week. So, instead of preparing I asked if God could just take over for me and lead. I didn’t have the mental or emotional energy left. Still don’t, after coming back at 1.30 yesterday and getting out of the house at 8 today but that’s jumping the gun.

Instead of an ice-breaker, we sat around and had a mild discussion on proposed cell outings. Not very fruitful and awfully long-winded. Worship was a bit of a breather for me as Terence handled everything, and I do mean everything as there were no calls to run through the song list or arrange a practice. This was his first time leading a whole session on his own, and Qi Wen played for the first time too. It wasn’t perfect, but I liked the sound of trying and so does God. I’m proud of the two of you guys.

Then came the discussion, which was based on Pastor Julie’s Fear No Evil sermon last Saturday. The two issues that came to me then were (1) what sacrifices do we fear that God will ask from us, and (2) what are the things we fear surrendering over to God. We’re always told that God should be Lord over all in our lives and most of us believe (or appear to believe it; I’m not sure) so I felt that it was liberating for us to be able to admit that it’s hard there are still parts we struggle with giving up control over and truthfully, will probably always struggle. Surrendering is after all a daily process. Guys, I do hope that we will be able to struggle with the support and encouragement of each other. Christian discipleship was never meant to be undertaken alone. By being able to verbalize our thoughts, doubts and faith to a small group of like-minded believers, we draw strength from each other. By answering the questions of others, our timid beliefs strengthen into convictions.

The fellowship after that was uplifting too. As there were only six of us, we decided to sit outside at the round tables in Asia Café, instead of at our usual place which made the whole setting much cozier. We ruminated a bit on cell, and then had a hilarious time of swapping IC, student ID and driver license photos. I say that you’re not really friends with someone till they don’t mind you laughing at your hideously unflattering mug shots. We had the Canto-pop reject, Korean soap opera reject, botak, chubby monk, muka pms (on a guy!) ham-sup goat, illegal Chinese immigrant (complete with the grainy, black-and-white effect and gloomy expression), white ghost, maniacal grinner and guy with long, unruly hair.
Anyway, it’s already three and I need to grab forty winks before going to service or I’m going to be crabby. Have to be there by four ‘cos I’m on producer duty and there’s Li Jin’s birthday party after church so it’s going to be another long day!

I’m glad I wrote all this down.

Cheerios!