On Fear

I am hesitant to begin writing again. It’s only been a short period of absence, but this no longer feels like a part of me. How quickly the sense of connectedness and purpose is lost.; the death of Introspection would hardly matter to me. It feels easier and better-like drifting off into a numbing sleep- to just let it die slowly instead of fighting for resurrection.

Yet, here I am typing. Let me continue this walk, even if I have to crawl.

Anyway, the same thing happened at cell. Felt peevish and was actually unwilling to face cell. In retrospect, it was most likely due to the lack of sleep. I’ve only been getting about 5-6 hours each day for the past week. So, instead of preparing I asked if God could just take over for me and lead. I didn’t have the mental or emotional energy left. Still don’t, after coming back at 1.30 yesterday and getting out of the house at 8 today but that’s jumping the gun.

Instead of an ice-breaker, we sat around and had a mild discussion on proposed cell outings. Not very fruitful and awfully long-winded. Worship was a bit of a breather for me as Terence handled everything, and I do mean everything as there were no calls to run through the song list or arrange a practice. This was his first time leading a whole session on his own, and Qi Wen played for the first time too. It wasn’t perfect, but I liked the sound of trying and so does God. I’m proud of the two of you guys.

Then came the discussion, which was based on Pastor Julie’s Fear No Evil sermon last Saturday. The two issues that came to me then were (1) what sacrifices do we fear that God will ask from us, and (2) what are the things we fear surrendering over to God. We’re always told that God should be Lord over all in our lives and most of us believe (or appear to believe it; I’m not sure) so I felt that it was liberating for us to be able to admit that it’s hard there are still parts we struggle with giving up control over and truthfully, will probably always struggle. Surrendering is after all a daily process. Guys, I do hope that we will be able to struggle with the support and encouragement of each other. Christian discipleship was never meant to be undertaken alone. By being able to verbalize our thoughts, doubts and faith to a small group of like-minded believers, we draw strength from each other. By answering the questions of others, our timid beliefs strengthen into convictions.

The fellowship after that was uplifting too. As there were only six of us, we decided to sit outside at the round tables in Asia Café, instead of at our usual place which made the whole setting much cozier. We ruminated a bit on cell, and then had a hilarious time of swapping IC, student ID and driver license photos. I say that you’re not really friends with someone till they don’t mind you laughing at your hideously unflattering mug shots. We had the Canto-pop reject, Korean soap opera reject, botak, chubby monk, muka pms (on a guy!) ham-sup goat, illegal Chinese immigrant (complete with the grainy, black-and-white effect and gloomy expression), white ghost, maniacal grinner and guy with long, unruly hair.
Anyway, it’s already three and I need to grab forty winks before going to service or I’m going to be crabby. Have to be there by four ‘cos I’m on producer duty and there’s Li Jin’s birthday party after church so it’s going to be another long day!

I’m glad I wrote all this down.

Cheerios!

Discombobulated

Came across this word today and it’s such a wonderfully, mind-blowing and awesome word that I just had to post it. Go look it up yourselves, lazy mutts. Finished my monstrous 3,000 word report on the measurement process and its role in accounting theory at 3 this afternoon; am in a state of severe sleep deprivation after staying up all night and then coming home to compulsively flip the com on to read pages and pages of trashy (a kinder phrase would be heinously immoral) blogs that really don’t do me any good at all, instead of just crashing in bed. But the trashy ones are where all the cool words are used; another one I found was doppelganger. Nope, I’m not going to tell you where I found it. So there.

Nine more days till it’s all over. Driving back from uni, I realized that I actually like writing research papers-you know, the whole process of conceptualizing (staring into space), researching (looking for suitable material to plagiarize) digesting academic text (figuring out what they’re actually trying to say) and then passing out your own opinions or interpretations (bullshitting!). Hehe, passing it out. Get it? First you digest the academic speak, then you crap. And I do it rather well, if I may say so myself, given the constraints of a very, very tight timeline faced. Ok, imposed. By me. Too bad I wouldn’t ever have the chance to write another undergraduate research paper again. And I actually find most (if not all) of the stuff that I’m supposed to have covered in the past 13 weeks interesting. In this case, its Accounting Theory and Auditing. Too bad I wouldn’t have enough time now to delve into the material too deeply and appreciate all its applications and implications and ramifications. I wouldn’t have the time to ‘develop particular areas of interest by reading more widely [beyond the prescribed text] in those areas which have particular appeal for them’, as advised in our unit guides. It’s just too bad.

What’s scary is I’m not sure if I’m being sarcastic or genuine here. I truly am discombobulated, and not only about by my academic state. Many questions abound, but one rises above them all: why am I always confused? It’s a short jump to the conclusion that there’s something wrong. Maybe I don’t want to be happy. Or don’t know how or believe I can. Or can’t. I’m tired. I don’t want to think anymore and writing this makes me think more than I can afford to and I just want to go to bed now but it’s time for dinner. Enough of introspection.

P/S: sorry, another sad post. I should also add that we didn’t get to discuss the verse I said I was going to in cell last Friday. Joseph said that I should have written down my thoughts on it ‘cos it was quite share-worthy but I didn’t have the time or energy. Someday maybe.

Precious Jeremy

breathed his last at 3.55 am, on Tuesday, the 11th of October. Harsh sms tone beeped me awake at 7, dragging the dream-like phone call that came in two hours earlier into the consciousness again. A gentle rain was falling, and a cool wind sighed. How fitting, I thought. Rain carries with it both sorrow and hope; it is a symbol of mourning and a promise of renewal, cleansing and rebirth. I lay quietly and listened. God’s Presence is described as Rain. Wind, the Breath of God filled the room and my lungs, and a refrain sang out in my head.

Rain down on me, rain down on me,
Lord let Your Presence fill this place.

Jeremy Lives now, more alive than we can ever be now. One day, we will Live like he does. Fully human and fully alive, clothed in the imperishable (1 Cor 1:54a). Hope sings aloud and faith rejoices at that knowledge.

Yet in the meantime, our eyes are dim with tears. We mourn our loss, grief the absence, and God weeps along with us. One day, we will laugh with Him. Alongside and above the tears, His Love surrounds us, filling and bridging this temporary parting. Thank you God, for Your Presence and Your Assurance and Your Tears.

Let Your rain fall upon me.

First paper on the 24th, and preparation has barely commenced. I would love to spend more time writing on my thoughts above, but the fragmented snapshots above will have to do. I don’t have time the time to spare, but I devoured ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ over yesterday night and today. Mental note to self: don’t walk past the library, bookshelves or any random pile of books at home for the next two weeks. It started with rooting around for something I wanted to share with the cell tonight. Here’s the preview:

If some people really are smarter
than other people and
if some people are really better looking
than other people and
if some people are really happier
than other people and
if some people really are more moral
than other people and
if some people really understand better
than other people and
if God really did make us all that way
and
if he really does love us
and
if we really are going to live together in heaven without being jealous
then I guess those things aren’t really so important after all, are they?

Randy Welch

It’s from a 1971 collection of verse entitled ‘Rappings’ by students of Wheaton College. Ended up reading the slim volume cover to cover and I’ll share some of the other jolting entries in my next posting. Take care till then and please pray for me!

Tagged

Yen tagged me weeks ago but I've taken my own sweet time to get around to doing it. The next three weeks are going to be busy with one last assignments and exam preparations so I wouldn't be posting much. Once a week at the very most, once a week at the very least, ok?
Oh, and I'd like to add a disclaimer. The accuracy of the following information cannot be vouched for by the author. In other words, don't take it too seriously!

Seven things you plan to do before you die:
1. Improve my drawing/painting skills, till I'm actually satisfied with what I create.
2. Own a magnificent collection of books!
3. Pay homage to my land of birth and watch the Northen Lights there
4. Take dance classes-both alone and with a partner
5. Write a book
6. Learn how to horseride
7. Find someone I can bare my soul to and who understands me well enough to take silent walks with.

I don't know about planning the last item, but I do hope to...

Seven things I could do:
1. Be more prayful and mindful of God in my daily life.
2. Value my time more and not waste it so much by procrastinating.
3. Have more discipline and self-control. Sigh...
4. Let little annoyances slide and tolerate stupidity more.
5. Guard my tongue and actions more.
6. Be more observant of other people and listen more, instead of being so wrapped up in myself.
7. Be more stable-minded; have less mood swings.

Seven celebrity crushes:
1. Umm...Prince William?
2. Argghh!!! I don't want to do this. Can't remember any more; and its not like there were very many anyway.

Seven often repeated words:
1. Yes!
2. Exactly!
3. Mangkuk!
4. Idiot!
5. Bodoh!
6. Arggh!
7. Ok?

Seven physical traits I look for in the opposite sex:

Actually, it would be more of look at in the opposite sex.

1. Shapely mouth/lips
2. Straight back and shoulders. Mmmm....
3. Legs-not too skinny please.
4. Contacts. Very rare to find though. Glasses? Haven't decided.
5. An earring's cute.
6. I like them clean shaven. No straggly roots anywhere on the face please.
7. Has lithe movements. Watch a tom cat to see what I mean.

Seven people to tag:
1. Cason
2. Roger
3. Enoch (hope you don't mind, I don't know anyone else to tag).

I don't know anyone else who also blogs and hasn't been tagged, so I'd really like to hear from the following peeps. Please, please, oh pretty please?
4. Joseph
5. Alan
6. Timmy
7. Kim Lim