It's the beginning of July. We're halfway through '08. How have things been?
Well, first thing is I'm not even going to measure how I've progressed since the last
quarter review. It's abysmal. Can we just pretend that I never made that list? Thanks. Other than that, there are several areas worth noting down.
About two weeks back, I found out that my sister was leaving for a missions trip to India via a blog entry. Such is my absence from her life. I'm trying to decide if it means that I'm not paying enough attention, or if this is just a part of the moving out process she's going through. After all, she is on course to getting married in a year or so and the leaving and cleaving process is already well under way.
Speaking of which, I’ve already been asked twice when my own marriage will be and expectedly, the scrutiny will increase as Liz’s own wedding fanfare increases. I didn’t respond well to these proddings. Yes, there was enough reason to be upset – I thought the manner it was asked tactless and callous. But after thinking it through, I’ve concluded that being defensive only makes me feel upset and look insecure. I think that it’s better to remind myself that I’m not in any way obliged to keep up with the Lee’s, so to speak.
Navigating between different opinions and values has been difficult of late. If you have the option of focusing on commonalities without having to tackle differences, that’s fine. But there will be times where the proximity or level of contact with the other person(s) rules that out. And so over the past month or so, I’ve been reminded several times over that I still have a lot to learn about negotiating through such instances.
For example, picking a church to attend. Fergs and I have recently agreed that it's time to start being honest with each other over what we feel about our respective home churches. We've danced around the issue for a while now, attending each other's cells and services as polite but uncommitted visitors. Neither of us is comfortable with "promoting" our respective churches onto the other party, let alone objectively evaluating - which would likely involve criticism - what we've seen so far. But the time for information gathering is almost up, and soon it will be time to take off the white kid gloves. It's a step that's important for our relationship, and I have spent many anxious moments pondering it.
Anxiety. I realise that I’ve become someone who is easily anxious. I worry a lot, especially over circumstances over which I have no control over. And then, I worry I worry too much. It’s wearisome to live under a perpetual cloud, and there have been days where I feel like shutting everyone out and going through life in a numb, protected state.
Like the lights below. Each whole on their own, luminous and lightweight, able to float upwards into nothingness without having to look back.
Light art installation at Kijkduin, 2007
Not me, but the first film festival submission for RSD. It felt too easy, filling in the PosLaju form and then lining up to get it weighed and stamped and then it was gone. I wanted to tell the lady at the counter be careful, make sure it doesn't fall out of the carrier box or get lost among the packages, this is a very important envelope and we cannot resend it. But I didn't.