For Once,

Something positive-

Being fine most of the time. Being occupied most of the time.

Talking online.
Standing in the carpark on Wednesday night. Feeling understood.

Still being able to loose myself.

Still being able to cry. At least my heart's still alive. I actually prayed, "Lord, take my heart of flesh away and give me a heart of stone." But.

Crying.

Nobody knowing the truth. The insane truth that may very well turn out to be a lie. I hope I never not know.

Hope that someday I'll know. Or, that someday, it wouldn't matter if I know. I'd say chances are pretty good 'cos it's happened before. But it's an awful, awful, risk.

God, please spare me.