Heartfelt Beauty

Am I beautiful? I ask that question too. Mostly subconsciously, but it recently surfaced over the weekend due to a series of apparently unrelated events that actually stretch back for months. Looking back, I really do believe that these events were all divinely orchestrated as part of God’s plan for me.

I realize now that I’ve carried a vague sense of discontent within me about who I’m becoming and the choices I make on how I project myself. In subtle, unnoticed ways, I have changed over the past six (maybe more?) months, mainly to accommodate other people’s views and expectations of who I am. I have watered my personality down, become less forthright, less candid. I have tried not to put myself above others, assert myself less; say what I really think and believe less. But it takes a long time to notice you’re descending and even longer to do something about it. This is especially so when in other areas, you are moving forward and outwardly you appear to be doing fine. It takes either a lot of scrutiny or someone to come along and jolt you before it hits you. It started two Saturday’s ago over lunch with Roger and Liz. Roger’s still Roger, and he’s as incisive and blunt as ever, which are qualities that I respect greatly. Talking to him made me realize how much I’ve changed in those aspects and I made up my mind to rediscover that side of me.

Last week was also a time of recollection, of revisiting past ghosts. I thought of both my exes and what I learnt from them and realized that I was no longer living much of it out. Strangely, last week was also the week when both of them decided to call/look me up. Coincidence? I think not.

The first one shaped the way I think. The second one taught me how to minister. Both taught me that I am beautiful, especially Corin. But I was slow learner and a quick forgetter (Yes, it’s a word), and it was always hard for me to fully believe and accept it. I was thinking rather wistfully last week that it’s been a while since I felt that way and it’ll be nice to do so again.

Anyway, it took someone else on Saturday to awaken that realization. Not that he told me outright. Rather, He did while I was sitting across him in the drive-thru McDee’s pondering human behaviour and relationships. It just slowly crept into my heart; “You carry the precious image of my Son within you and it shines out in a very visible manner to others. What a beautiful sight it is!” It’s amazing how God can transform a situation.

I am beautiful, because God created me so. I am beautiful, because Christ lives in me. I am beautiful, and I am not ashamed to declare it and exult in it. I am not ashamed! I guess it showed somewhat on Saturday in church. After a harrowing period of self-doubt, I finally felt good about myself. About how I look and who I am. I am the one that Jesus loves. I am exuberant, I am joyous, I am overflowing with abundant life. I am a vessel of God’s glory, I am His beloved, I am His. The same applies to the rest of you, if you would let yourself believe it.

This post is dedicated to Yen. Your questions on Saturday and our conversation today sort of tied everything together. To God be the glory!

P/S: To my dear agnostic/atheist (which are you?) friend-how does it feel to be part of God’s divinely orchestrated plan? Come on, you were back from Germany for a whole month, why choose last Wednesday to look me up just when I was praying that someone with the requisite intelligence would give me a leetle helping hand?