On Fear

I am hesitant to begin writing again. It’s only been a short period of absence, but this no longer feels like a part of me. How quickly the sense of connectedness and purpose is lost.; the death of Introspection would hardly matter to me. It feels easier and better-like drifting off into a numbing sleep- to just let it die slowly instead of fighting for resurrection.

Yet, here I am typing. Let me continue this walk, even if I have to crawl.

Anyway, the same thing happened at cell. Felt peevish and was actually unwilling to face cell. In retrospect, it was most likely due to the lack of sleep. I’ve only been getting about 5-6 hours each day for the past week. So, instead of preparing I asked if God could just take over for me and lead. I didn’t have the mental or emotional energy left. Still don’t, after coming back at 1.30 yesterday and getting out of the house at 8 today but that’s jumping the gun.

Instead of an ice-breaker, we sat around and had a mild discussion on proposed cell outings. Not very fruitful and awfully long-winded. Worship was a bit of a breather for me as Terence handled everything, and I do mean everything as there were no calls to run through the song list or arrange a practice. This was his first time leading a whole session on his own, and Qi Wen played for the first time too. It wasn’t perfect, but I liked the sound of trying and so does God. I’m proud of the two of you guys.

Then came the discussion, which was based on Pastor Julie’s Fear No Evil sermon last Saturday. The two issues that came to me then were (1) what sacrifices do we fear that God will ask from us, and (2) what are the things we fear surrendering over to God. We’re always told that God should be Lord over all in our lives and most of us believe (or appear to believe it; I’m not sure) so I felt that it was liberating for us to be able to admit that it’s hard there are still parts we struggle with giving up control over and truthfully, will probably always struggle. Surrendering is after all a daily process. Guys, I do hope that we will be able to struggle with the support and encouragement of each other. Christian discipleship was never meant to be undertaken alone. By being able to verbalize our thoughts, doubts and faith to a small group of like-minded believers, we draw strength from each other. By answering the questions of others, our timid beliefs strengthen into convictions.

The fellowship after that was uplifting too. As there were only six of us, we decided to sit outside at the round tables in Asia Café, instead of at our usual place which made the whole setting much cozier. We ruminated a bit on cell, and then had a hilarious time of swapping IC, student ID and driver license photos. I say that you’re not really friends with someone till they don’t mind you laughing at your hideously unflattering mug shots. We had the Canto-pop reject, Korean soap opera reject, botak, chubby monk, muka pms (on a guy!) ham-sup goat, illegal Chinese immigrant (complete with the grainy, black-and-white effect and gloomy expression), white ghost, maniacal grinner and guy with long, unruly hair.
Anyway, it’s already three and I need to grab forty winks before going to service or I’m going to be crabby. Have to be there by four ‘cos I’m on producer duty and there’s Li Jin’s birthday party after church so it’s going to be another long day!

I’m glad I wrote all this down.

Cheerios!

Discombobulated

Came across this word today and it’s such a wonderfully, mind-blowing and awesome word that I just had to post it. Go look it up yourselves, lazy mutts. Finished my monstrous 3,000 word report on the measurement process and its role in accounting theory at 3 this afternoon; am in a state of severe sleep deprivation after staying up all night and then coming home to compulsively flip the com on to read pages and pages of trashy (a kinder phrase would be heinously immoral) blogs that really don’t do me any good at all, instead of just crashing in bed. But the trashy ones are where all the cool words are used; another one I found was doppelganger. Nope, I’m not going to tell you where I found it. So there.

Nine more days till it’s all over. Driving back from uni, I realized that I actually like writing research papers-you know, the whole process of conceptualizing (staring into space), researching (looking for suitable material to plagiarize) digesting academic text (figuring out what they’re actually trying to say) and then passing out your own opinions or interpretations (bullshitting!). Hehe, passing it out. Get it? First you digest the academic speak, then you crap. And I do it rather well, if I may say so myself, given the constraints of a very, very tight timeline faced. Ok, imposed. By me. Too bad I wouldn’t ever have the chance to write another undergraduate research paper again. And I actually find most (if not all) of the stuff that I’m supposed to have covered in the past 13 weeks interesting. In this case, its Accounting Theory and Auditing. Too bad I wouldn’t have enough time now to delve into the material too deeply and appreciate all its applications and implications and ramifications. I wouldn’t have the time to ‘develop particular areas of interest by reading more widely [beyond the prescribed text] in those areas which have particular appeal for them’, as advised in our unit guides. It’s just too bad.

What’s scary is I’m not sure if I’m being sarcastic or genuine here. I truly am discombobulated, and not only about by my academic state. Many questions abound, but one rises above them all: why am I always confused? It’s a short jump to the conclusion that there’s something wrong. Maybe I don’t want to be happy. Or don’t know how or believe I can. Or can’t. I’m tired. I don’t want to think anymore and writing this makes me think more than I can afford to and I just want to go to bed now but it’s time for dinner. Enough of introspection.

P/S: sorry, another sad post. I should also add that we didn’t get to discuss the verse I said I was going to in cell last Friday. Joseph said that I should have written down my thoughts on it ‘cos it was quite share-worthy but I didn’t have the time or energy. Someday maybe.

Precious Jeremy

breathed his last at 3.55 am, on Tuesday, the 11th of October. Harsh sms tone beeped me awake at 7, dragging the dream-like phone call that came in two hours earlier into the consciousness again. A gentle rain was falling, and a cool wind sighed. How fitting, I thought. Rain carries with it both sorrow and hope; it is a symbol of mourning and a promise of renewal, cleansing and rebirth. I lay quietly and listened. God’s Presence is described as Rain. Wind, the Breath of God filled the room and my lungs, and a refrain sang out in my head.

Rain down on me, rain down on me,
Lord let Your Presence fill this place.

Jeremy Lives now, more alive than we can ever be now. One day, we will Live like he does. Fully human and fully alive, clothed in the imperishable (1 Cor 1:54a). Hope sings aloud and faith rejoices at that knowledge.

Yet in the meantime, our eyes are dim with tears. We mourn our loss, grief the absence, and God weeps along with us. One day, we will laugh with Him. Alongside and above the tears, His Love surrounds us, filling and bridging this temporary parting. Thank you God, for Your Presence and Your Assurance and Your Tears.

Let Your rain fall upon me.

First paper on the 24th, and preparation has barely commenced. I would love to spend more time writing on my thoughts above, but the fragmented snapshots above will have to do. I don’t have time the time to spare, but I devoured ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ over yesterday night and today. Mental note to self: don’t walk past the library, bookshelves or any random pile of books at home for the next two weeks. It started with rooting around for something I wanted to share with the cell tonight. Here’s the preview:

If some people really are smarter
than other people and
if some people are really better looking
than other people and
if some people are really happier
than other people and
if some people really are more moral
than other people and
if some people really understand better
than other people and
if God really did make us all that way
and
if he really does love us
and
if we really are going to live together in heaven without being jealous
then I guess those things aren’t really so important after all, are they?

Randy Welch

It’s from a 1971 collection of verse entitled ‘Rappings’ by students of Wheaton College. Ended up reading the slim volume cover to cover and I’ll share some of the other jolting entries in my next posting. Take care till then and please pray for me!

Tagged

Yen tagged me weeks ago but I've taken my own sweet time to get around to doing it. The next three weeks are going to be busy with one last assignments and exam preparations so I wouldn't be posting much. Once a week at the very most, once a week at the very least, ok?
Oh, and I'd like to add a disclaimer. The accuracy of the following information cannot be vouched for by the author. In other words, don't take it too seriously!

Seven things you plan to do before you die:
1. Improve my drawing/painting skills, till I'm actually satisfied with what I create.
2. Own a magnificent collection of books!
3. Pay homage to my land of birth and watch the Northen Lights there
4. Take dance classes-both alone and with a partner
5. Write a book
6. Learn how to horseride
7. Find someone I can bare my soul to and who understands me well enough to take silent walks with.

I don't know about planning the last item, but I do hope to...

Seven things I could do:
1. Be more prayful and mindful of God in my daily life.
2. Value my time more and not waste it so much by procrastinating.
3. Have more discipline and self-control. Sigh...
4. Let little annoyances slide and tolerate stupidity more.
5. Guard my tongue and actions more.
6. Be more observant of other people and listen more, instead of being so wrapped up in myself.
7. Be more stable-minded; have less mood swings.

Seven celebrity crushes:
1. Umm...Prince William?
2. Argghh!!! I don't want to do this. Can't remember any more; and its not like there were very many anyway.

Seven often repeated words:
1. Yes!
2. Exactly!
3. Mangkuk!
4. Idiot!
5. Bodoh!
6. Arggh!
7. Ok?

Seven physical traits I look for in the opposite sex:

Actually, it would be more of look at in the opposite sex.

1. Shapely mouth/lips
2. Straight back and shoulders. Mmmm....
3. Legs-not too skinny please.
4. Contacts. Very rare to find though. Glasses? Haven't decided.
5. An earring's cute.
6. I like them clean shaven. No straggly roots anywhere on the face please.
7. Has lithe movements. Watch a tom cat to see what I mean.

Seven people to tag:
1. Cason
2. Roger
3. Enoch (hope you don't mind, I don't know anyone else to tag).

I don't know anyone else who also blogs and hasn't been tagged, so I'd really like to hear from the following peeps. Please, please, oh pretty please?
4. Joseph
5. Alan
6. Timmy
7. Kim Lim

Screwtape

Lived through another day in an exhausted stupor. I was standing in the shower yesterday when this excerpt came to me.
“Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy’s will, looks around a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.”
It’s from C.S. Lewis’s masterly ‘Screwtape Letters’, which documents the wise old devil Screwtape’s letters to his nephew Wormwood. Interestingly, ‘Screwtape Letters’ was dedicated to J. R. R. Tolkien.

In ‘Reaching for the Invisible God’, Philip Yancey writes about Christians who “volunteered to serve others in a spirit of idealism [that’s me!] As trials increased, they anticipated a closer sense of God’s presence, more support, stronger faith [exactly!]. Instead, they found the opposite.”

Why? Lewis goes on to write:
“It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it [the believer] is growing into the creature He wants it to be. Hence, the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those that please Him best…He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles.”

Both Pastor Julie and Joseph have pointed out my strange idiosyncrasy of raising an issue and then proceeding to resolve it on my own. Well, looks like I did it again. But I really appreciate those who have offered their two cents worth (ok, it's worth much, much more!) of support and encouragement. Kudos to Rog and Lim!

Waiting

Futsal on Sunday was a decidedly miserable experience for me and I have no one to blame for it but myself. So much for feeling all sunshiny and optimistic. So much for having fun running around after the ball. I barely moved. My old habit of clamming up resurfaced with a vengeance, and I wished that the ground would open up and swallow me. Anyway, it’s over.

Joseph’s question (was it last week?) continues to haunt me: Why does it seem to be that the closer you get to God, the more confused Christians become?
I have no answer, no explanation, no defense. The silence rings like an accusation.
I’m sorry for being such a poor example.

cos' I’m a train wreck waiting to happen...

So this Saturday’s service is on Wrestling with God. “A time of seeking for a breakthrough in your relationship with God, parents, friends, career, studies, personal life”, as the email proclaims in bright letters.
Reading it, something stirred from within. But.
I hope for something this Sat, and yet I don’t hope at the same time.
I don’t know how or what to expect. Don’t want to expect?
Life seems to be currently dictated by circumstances, and that all my time is spent responding to events as they arise.
The lack of control I have over my life is frustrating. My life is frustrating.
Maybe physical exhaustion has a part to play. Maybe I’m trying to avoid reality.
Maybe it’s my fault.

Everything I need is you, my beginning and forever...

That refrain has haunted my consciousness for the past week, but it is hardly manifest in the way I live out my daily life.
Why do I look every where else but to God?
My fault.
God, come and get me. I don’t know how to reach You anymore.
I’m sorry for failing yet again.

Unravel me
a distant chord
on the outside is forgotten
a constant need

The road is long
the memory slides
to the whole of my undoing
put aside
I put away
I push it back to get through each day
and all I feel is black and white
and I'm wound up small and tight
and I don't know who I am

Unravel me
untie this chord
the very center of our union
is caving in
I can't endure
I am the archive of our failure
And all I feel is black and white
and I'm wound up small and tight
and I don't know who I am

From Sarah McLachlan’s Black and White.

Postscript: I wrote the above before going for the leader’s briefing after prayer meet at 9. Yeah, I skipped the praying part. Anyway, things took a tiny turn for the better there. After rushing and arriving a little late, it was gladdening to see Cason and Qi Wen already there, which was totally unexpected. Turns out they attended the whole thing from 8, and I was able to discuss the plans for this Friday, Saturday and Sunday with them, Jay Sonn and Enoch. Jay Sonn suggested combining cells and working together on Friday, which is certainly something I’m looking forward to. I’m so grateful that there are others to share the load with and people I can talk to a little. God can occasionally be kind to me.

Postscript 2: But I still feel like an archive of failure; and in the middle of me is a tight knot that I can’t unravel. I don’t know what it is, and I don’t know who I am.
'Heartfelt Beauty' seems like such a mockery now.

Waiting to Play Futsal...

Five days since writing anything. Fear not, I have not abandoned this humble blog. (Apparently, it looks terribly unadorned and plain). Actually started on a new post twice, but couldn’t carry them both to full term and so their aborted skeletons are tucked away in my folder. It’s sad when a piece dies prematurely, but I hope to resurrect them someday. Ironically, one of them was about God’s timeliness but I just didn’t have the time or inspiration to sit down and develop it.

Anyway, in less than two hours, the Kool’s (plus a few imported players) will meet for our third ever futsal session. Anticipation is running high. Some even bought new boots. It looks like this is going to be a permanent fixture in our cell’s activity list. Personally, I’ve always shunned organized sports (Calvin and Hobbes are my role models!) so understandably, I’ve had ample practice and am very good at them. Not. I don’t mean to be a wet blanket and it’s been great fun so far but guys, if you want to go beyond having fun to playing seriously, it’s not going to be possible. A few of us (namely, the entire female minority plus some!) are complete dopes when it comes to anything involving balls-in more than one way, I might add but that’s beside the 'point'. However, the rest have been very gentlemanly and given us due deference on court so far. Let’s continue with that spirit ok? It’s a wee bit unnerving for me when I’ve received a few threats to get my comeuppance on the pitch, over some slight verbal jabs. Bah, why do guys always have to get so physical? I invoke the protection of my sex due to me as a female! Not that anyone’s going to read this till after the game. Anyway, I fell twice during the last session so I don’t really need any help in that department. Ah well, I doubt they’ll remember it anyway and it’s all in good fun. Though, why don’t you all be good sports and let me mock you people from the sidelines?

A Sheepish Post

My sincere apologies for lashing out last night. Sometimes I want to be understood without having to explain myself too much. Or rather, I feel that I have explained myself enough already to be understood. In retrospect, I could have done better but I lacked the presence of mind to do so. Ah well, at least you two have seen (or rather felt) one of my character flaws. Am working on it ok?

I thought that I'd gotten over wishing people will ask but I realized yesterday night that in some aspects, I haven't. Why don't they ask? Why don't they care? Was almost in tears yesterday. Tears of rage. But it's ok now. I shouldn't crucify myself over their ignorance. I can't save anyone from blindness, so I shouldn't have such a saviour's complex. Silly, silly me.

Anyway, I got up today and got out Dr. Larry Keefauver's "77 Irrefutable Truths of Ministry". 77 nuggets of wisdom, each a page long. I remembered something from there which I thought would be helpful and I wanted to go back to it again. Started flipping thru from the back and #39 jumped out-"Without prayer, ministry can do nothing. At the core of powerless ministry is prayerlessness...sheep follow the shepherd. As he prays, so they pray. As she worships, they worship. As he studies the Word, so they study the Word. As she serves, so they serve." I felt God tell me to be faithful in continuing with doing these things even if it seems like the sheep aren't following yet. That it's ok if they don't follow yet, because it will come around in time. In the mean time, pray for them.

Moving on, I found what I was looking for. #12-"Ministry's best classroom is brokenness. Brokenness is the tuition people pay to be equipped. The only vessels God can use are broken ones." Listen to it. "Ministry puts the minister on the cross whether he or she goes voluntarily or not. The good news is this: resurrection follows crucifixion. The Potter lovingly reshapes and molds us according to His plan not ours. "Then I went down to the potter's house, and there he was, making something at the wheel. And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter; so he made it again into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to make" (Jer. 18:4). Brokenness is not an attack of the enemy. Rather, it's the result of Christ reshaping us into His image."

I realise that I often think that being broken is the result of doing things the wrong way. That if I do everything right, things will all fall into place and be perfect. So, when things go wrong or doesn't turn out the way I expected, I beat myself up. I think, maybe I should have prayed more. Or been more loving, more gracious. Maybe I should have spoke up sooner. That may be true, but I need to see beyond that, to see beyond the cross of defeat. Resurrection does follow crucifixion.

That aside, what followed stabbed me in the heart. "The tools He most often uses to crush us are sheep. They become the sandpaper that smoothes out rough edges. Cleaning up their dung and anointing their wounds enables us to become shepherds instead of taskmasters. We come to value sheep for who they are, not for what they can do or give. Out brokenness allows the oil of healing to pour from us as we become wounded healers. The tears of brokenness cleanse you for ministry. Don't waste your tears. Use them to wash the feet of your people."

The crushing, breaking process starts by allowing them to rub me up the wrong way, as sandpaper that hurts and wounds even as it strips away the ugliness and allows God's love to flow from those very wounds. I definitely recognise that process taking place now. Let me look to Jesus for guidance-after all, He is the first and ultimate wounded healer.

Cleaning up their dung and anointing their wounds. Good job description. Of course, there are also long periods of sitting watchfully in the field, just waiting for them to come to you and wondering if they will ever lift their heads from the ground and move. The challenge then is to remain ever faithful, ever vigilant and ever ready.

I sometimes call them cows, especially when they stand around aimlessly in a herd. From now on, I want to think of them as sheep. Not my sheep-I don't own them-but God's sheep. Wounded, sandpapery sheep smeared with dung. Created in His image, bearing His Son's name (most of them at least!) and infinitely valuable because of that and that alone.

P/S: Just noticed the audience request for more about Designer Sex yesterday night. Was wondering why nobody ever asked about that item because I intentionally didn't elaborate. That aside, I did plan to write on it today but as you can see, there were more pressing topics.